I was reading “the Healing Magic of Forest Bathing” the other day and this sentence jumped out at me: “Whenever you feel like the world is crashing down upon you, look up at the sky.”
Wow! Isn’t that where we are all – feeling like the world is crashing down! Everywhere you look there is negativity, grief, loss, and fear. We are all grieving in one manner or another – we are grieving the loss of our “normal” lives.
So, what did I do this morning as I sat outside in the backyard with my cup of coffee? I looked up! And what did I see but a rainbow in the middle of the sky above me. In an otherwise blue sky – there it was a faint splash of color - a little ray of hope.
You see, I finished my chemo last week and finally turned the corner of feeling “normal” again. Of that I am so thankful! My fellow chemo patients understand the yuck we all feel as the poisons make their way through our body.
For me, having to be in the hospital with my 24-hour chemo drip is daunting. Last time I blew so many veins for my IV that they decided to do a pic line. Okay, scary stuff for someone that hates needles! And, there I am with my friendly Ultrasound IV team, threading this catheter through my arm to a large vein near my heart. As they found the vein, marked me up, and measured 24 centimeters. Hello! Time for my relaxation mantra! The worst part is that I am alone, because of Covid-19 no visitors are allowed. My family has to drop me off at the door and can’t even enter the hospital.
So, this weekend I had my long-awaited melt-down admitting to my loving husband how scary that was and how very alone I felt. One of the many things I’ve learned through this cancer journey is that I have to face my fears and anxieties. I can no longer bottle them up and ignore them because they will just fester and create a negative spiral. When I acknowledge my fear, it losses it's grip on me, and I can begin to ask “what was that all about?” Well, that is a tough question and it goes back to my “new" normal. When I finished my first round of chemo in 2018 I was a winner, a victor! I beat cancer and it wasn’t coming back. Whoot, whoot! Well, guess what it came back and it burst my bubble. Reality hit and I didn’t like what I saw.
This time, while I am not ready to do the happy dance with my last chemo, I continue to face this head on, focusing on my health and happiness. I will work through the next step of maintenance treatments, and explore what brings meaning to my life. I may be cancer free for many, many years, (with so many new treatment options) or I may not, but I chose to live my life fully – to experience the beauty around me and be thankful for all that I have.
Now, let's circle back to the book. I am reminding myself on a daily basis to look up and connect to my body and the earth. Ah, just the slightest release you feel when you look up – you align yourself to the great expanse of the world. Taking in the sights above and around you. The sky, the clouds, the rainbow, the rain, the wind, the birds, and the trees are all around us reminding us to look outward. Try it! Instead of hunching down looking at your computer or iPhone, oblivious to the beauty around you. You will be surprised at the release you feel. To move our head back so that it aligns with our core opens us up to become connected to both our body and the earth – the vastness of the heavens and earth. Now that sounds like an awesome "new" normal to me!
“We do not learn from experience…we learn from reflecting on experience.” John Dewey
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