Difficult Days

I love this quote from Winnie the Pooh and the simple message it evokes. Sometimes we need to sit with difficult days, not fix them, not talk about them, but simply be brave enough to fully experience the emotions that come with them.

As you can guess, recently I had one of those days. My routine has been pretty set the past four months with blood draws, hospital stays, chemo appointments and then back around again. But when I went to get my last blood draw, they had trouble finding a vein and it ended up quite a production. Not sure why this got me in a tailspin, but it did. I was so deflated, so done with all the poking and prodding and just wanted to cry a puddle of tears.

I took a little walk in the woods before heading home to clear my mind, but when my hubby saw my face, he knew something was up. As most of you know, I am pretty transparent and can’t hide my feelings from showing up like a flashing billboard on my face. I explained what happened and we just let it go. He silently gave me the time to work through my difficult day. The reality is cancer sucks, and it is exhausting. I allowed myself to sit with the emotions, and gave myself permission to have a bad day. To not try and fix it, but go through it.

The next morning when I woke up my demeanor had changed. Life was okay again - I can get through this, accepting both good days and bad. Amazing what some solid relaxation techniques and a good nights sleep can do.

I rely on the mantra below on a pretty regular basis, when having a tough day, or when I can’t relax or sleep. I picture myself in a meadow overlooking a river – most likely an image from my childhood spent in the glorious outdoors. It allows me to feel love wash over me that is unconditional and undeserved.

May I be filled with loving kindness

May I be well.

May I be at peace, at ease with myself.

May I be happy.

This year I started a gratefulness journal. I try and write down what I am grateful for every day. Being specific, not just generalizations. Little things like I'm grateful for my roomba, the sun shining or the dew on my bare feet. It helps me to search out the positive things each day.

As funny as it sounds, to be able to experience a difficult day and work my way to the other side is something I am grateful for.

I'm learning to not push down difficult emotions and allow them space, not to breed or fester, but just be without judgement. Knowing that they come and go. I imagine emotions like clouds passing in the sky, watching them move along swirling and dancing with the wind.