Acceptance & PTSD

Bear with me, as this post is going to bounce you around for a bit, but have patience-it circles back around eventually!

This week marks the two year anniversary of the start of chemo for my Ovarian cancer recurrence. I had a bit of PTSD remembering the doctor’s appointment on Christmas eve – the dreaded cancer was back and more chemo was scheduled. But that evening two years ago we all pretended that life was normal as we celebrated Christmas eve with my husband’s brother and his family.

It didn’t hit me last year because we were all locked away in our Covid safety bubble. But this year, we were scheduled to celebrate with them again and I felt the pangs of PTSD. As it ended up, due to the increase in Covid in our area we stayed home. But I was still reminded of us all trying to act normal when everything was falling apart, again. (Similar to our anniversary on 12/22 when my husband's mom passed the morning of our wedding - painful and joyful memories co-mingled for years.) Maybe because part of my emotional growth this year has been recognizing and dealing with difficult emotions it was time for this memory to resurface.

You see, I grew up the youngest of four sisters – all overachievers in my mind: class valedictorian, cheerleader, homecoming queen and then there was me. Always comparing myself to my sisters who were smarter, prettier, more athletic, popular and just plain "more" than me. Where else is there to go? So I stayed under the radar, easily forgotten. Since in my mind I didn’t have any good qualities, I always tried to be nice…that was something I could do. But, being nice can be exhausting! You don’t take time for yourself, always focusing on others, family, friends, co-workers, pets, anything but being kind to the key person in your life – you!

So, when this PTSD happened, it got me curious as to why this surfaced now. I think it is part of me realizing that I am good enough, just the way I am. That I am allowed to recognize my own trauma and treat myself with kindness. I can prioritize my well being.

This year I feel that I have made progress accepting all of me - the good, the bad, the imperfect, and insecure me. I have been listening to a free podcast “The Awesome Human Hour” as we were all locked away in Covid isolation. It has been a breath of fresh air that I look forward to every Wednesday.

So many of the concepts I have shared within my blog the past year. But this one practice really came into play. Talk back to your brain when it whispers negative thoughts. You know the ones I am talking about; you listen to them every day and don’t even realize it.

My usual ones include: you are so clumsy for tripping or dropping things, how stupid of you for pretty much anything I don’t do correctly, you are such an idiot for not being able to finish your sentences, you can’t even play a simple game, and it goes on and on. On a constant loop inside our brains telling us we are simply not good enough. But, guess what our brains are wrong – we are good enough! And we can learn to talk back to that negative talk! I create my own struggle in my brain with negative self-talk but am learning to be kind to myself, accepting limitations and recognizing my achievements no matter how small. Quieting that negative talk with acceptance - I am enough just the way I am!

This Christmas spent with family was a testament to reversing the negative talk. I’m sure my family did not even notice the difference, but I was different on the inside. Instead of being mad at myself I can’t finish a sentence, I saw my kids’ abilities to know what I was going to say and finish it for me. I turned it into a blessing. Instead of being angry with myself for not understanding a game, I didn’t play if it was too challenging. The meals, the house, the gifts, Gingerbread house and conversations didn’t need to be perfect. I could take a nap when needed, even if the kid's decorated cookies without me! More important was time with family. I was grateful for the time together. Wow – who was this person inside my head!

It was a wonderful holiday spent with my husband and children. Two years ago we were not sure what life would be like in the future, but we are all still here, learning, loving and growing. Accepting that life is not perfect and enjoying our imperfect lives!

“You don’t have to be grateful for everything in your life – some stuff just sucks. But be grateful for a lot of it. Make gratitude a lens through which you see your day, your experiences and other people.” Nataly Kogan