Living in Contradition

Inner peace is accomplished by understanding and accepting the inevitable contradictions of life – the pain and pleasure, success and failure, joy and sorrow, births and deaths. Problems can teach us to be gracious, humble and patient….Richard Carlson

One of the concepts from A Fresh Chapter’s Peru Odyssey was learning to live in contradiction. Finding joy and true resilience by acknowledging and accepting contradictions in life. The dark and the light, the positive and the negative, the joy and the sadness all exist in our everyday lives. We have a choice on where to place our focus. I try to find joyful moments each day, to soak in those positive vibes and store them in my memory. I am learning to accept that life is messy and sometimes downright unfair. But I can use grateful practices to focus my gaze on the light. Remember my tattoo “turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.”

Christmas this year didn’t quite go as planned. The kids were all home for the first time in four years. But the week prior to Christmas I had a PET scan since my CT scan showed a mass on my colon. My doctor appointment was scheduled the afternoon of Christmas eve – sandwiched between The Star Wars movie and a dinner with family. No other choice but to tell the kids on Christmas eve that the Ovarian Cancer metastasized to my colon and I would be starting a chemo regimen the following week (12/30.) Man oh man, that was tough. With my first diagnosis, Steve was the one to call the kids following my surgery, but this time I put on my big girl panties and told them myself. Then after Christmas I called my sisters and mom to tell them the news. Thankfully my prognosis is good, but causing emotional turmoil in my family’s lives was very, very tough.

So, here is my living in contradiction – yes the cancer is back, but I have a great cancer care team with an excellent plan of chemo followed by maintenance drugs. We caught it early, so no need for surgery – yippee! Like I said, prognosis is good. I will again lose my hair due to chemo - but I still have all my beanies from last time and they are much more in style during the winter months.

Christmas was more subdued than usual, but had moments of hilarity with the fun games – have you ever heard of “Exploding Rabbits” or “Burrito Wars?” Well, they are hilarious! We also enjoyed time just chilling with each other. I am so thankful for my family and grateful we could all be together and create some great memories to look back on when the tough days hit in the coming months.

Since I know that neuropathy will get bad again, I swam today and enjoyed the hot tub, just soaking it all in. Mind you, I can still swim and plan to often, but no more enjoying the hot tub. While the hot tub is not in my immediate future, how fortunate I am that I have access to it in the first place! Counting my blessing!

I am extremely grateful for my Peru Odyssey Tribe that has been so supportive – We are RAF – (hope you don’t mind the swearing) Resilient As F*ck! I also have the awesome group of ladies from OCRA’s Survivors Teaching Students to provide guidance, encouragement and laughter. What more could I want!

My family, well what would I do without them? They are a constant source of love, support, and encouragement. And they get me, they let me be me without questioning the quiet times, the busy times and the goofiness. I am also thankful for the pups and kitty that are always up for a good snuggle.

I am so lucky to have such a supportive group of friends and family in my life. I am truly blessed.

“A certain darkness is needed to see the stars”…Osho