Big Girls Do Cry
- joannemesseri
- Sep 26, 2019
- 2 min read
Quote for the week: "Only when we're brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of OUR light." Brene Brown
I had the pleasure of attending a luncheon for Ovarian Cancer survivors on Saturday. Many of my friends from Survivors Teaching Students were in attendance and I also met other great ladies. However, a few of our comrades (for lack of a better term) were not in attendance, but in the hospital with treatments or blood transfusions. Most of the women there were on their second or third round of recurrence and treatment. I’m not sure how much you know about Ovarian cancer, but I call it a sneaky little bugger because epithelial cancer can move around and show up years later in other parts of your body.
The absence of the women at the luncheon and those continuing to battle cancer hit me like a ton of bricks. Where will I fit into this puzzle in the next year or two or three? I also thought back to when my GYN oncologist suggested Survivors Teaching Students to me because one of her favorite patients was involved. Later I found out that her favorite patient did not survive, another ton of bricks.
On my drive home from the luncheon all I wanted to do was cry – and did! You gotta love a sobbing driver – we think that no one else sees us in our cone of silence (also known as a car!) I cried for the women struggling with their health, I cried for myself – my fear of the future and this awful mess my body has gotten me into! Yes, I am cancer free today – but those when and what-if thoughts come sneaking in oh so easily.
But when I got home, I brushed off the tears and went into what I call “numb mode” instead of sharing my feelings. A mode I have gone to often since childhood, waiting for feelings and disappointments to subside. My excuse (this time) was my hubby had walking pneumonia and couldn’t be bothered with my problems (good news he is doing better!)
So, I hid behind my mask, not allowing myself to be vulnerable. But we cannot selectively numb emotions – if we numb vulnerability, we also numb joy, gratitude and happiness. This lesson is so hard for me to put into practice. At least I’m learning to recognize when I go into numb mode – next step is to chose against numbing my emotions and allow myself to be vulnerable – to feel, to cry, to hurt and acknowledge the pain of uncertainty with my loving family. Stay tuned, because you know the vulnerability volcano is coming soon!
Speaking of an emotional volcano, my darling daughter sent me the link to Taylor Swift’s song about her mom’s cancer diagnosis. Like a said, big girls do cry! Have a listen…
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